Love

Love cannot be demanded. 

Love cannot be begged. 

Love cannot be bought. 

Love cannot be taught. 

Love cannot be snatched.

Love cannot be grabbed.

Love cannot be forced. 

Love cannot be manipulated.

Love is a natural feeling that arises from one's heart and soul happens on its own. Each one of us seeks emotional fulfillment and this is the reason we all consciously or instinctively seek love. Finding love, falling in love, and being in love isn't something that you can just find anywhere. That magical thing we call love is something truly mesmerizing and it is destined to happen at the right time. No one can predict when where how and with whom you will fall in love. It will happen in its own due course and you will head over in heels in love before you even know it.

Love can be given freely.

Love can be cherished.

Love can be treasured.

Love can be felt.

Love can heal.

Love can awaken your soul and leave it enlightened forever.

Just wait patiently and let love happen to you.


- Aarti Khurana

Letter for my Future Love.

Dear Future Love of My Life,

I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think that I didn’t exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four-leaf clovers, I’m close. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it’s not our time yet. And I know you’re wondering why.

It’s really not fair that you’ve had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for ‘meh’ relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So, here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here is true.

The reason we haven’t met yet, in no particular order:

1. I haven’t thrown out the list of things I think you should be.

2. I’m with the wrong person right now.

3. I’m not ready to be loved unconditionally.

4. Since my life isn’t together, I think you’ll reject me.

5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.

6. I’ve been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.

7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don’t like.

8. I won’t be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.

9. I’m too focused on my own needs.

10. I don’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.

Clearly, I’m not my best self yet. Or even myself – I’m still figuring out who that is. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet; you wouldn’t like me all that much right now. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.

This is a call for humility – stop blaming the opposite sex for the downfall of your relationships and take responsibility for the right things you can control. Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I’m working my way towards you. So don’t spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.

I know it’s taking longer than you’d like. It’s a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I’m here. This is me talking to you. And I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t give up on me.

Yours, in perpetuity,

The Love You Haven’t Met Yet

Martyr

Leo – When in sadness; display their stress, but become wound up like they are on the brink of a nervous breakdown. They’re short-tempered and needy, and are prone to turning themselves into a martyr.

Martyr (mahr-ter)  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/martyr

noun

1.a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.

2.a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.

3.a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.

4.a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.  

verb (used with object)

5.to make a martyr of, especially by putting to death.

6.to torment or torture.

It is one of those times where I have the mood to shut down and disappear. Although I might be scrolling on the various social media sites, I do not have the itch to post anything or even to make myself known by commenting on another person’s post or on those I’m being tagged in. Even trying to pen down my thoughts seems difficult. I’m having emotional constipation – not having to give a shit for days. Lol.

The ability to detach and ignore.

This is a powerful ability to have. Being able to detach and ignore. No not because that I don’t care or that I do not have the capability to care. It’s because I care too much hence I am easily affected. Those walls are built so I don’t get hurt anymore. In order for me to stay sane. They say it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. And I have that. Feel so deeply. Nah, I’m not heartless just being super guarded. It’s not that I could just cut of my feeling just like that; it’s that I would rather just suffer in silence. What’s the point of showing to the world that I’m hurting? Just smile and carry on. I am just too tired to try being open to love or finding someone. One of those moments where switching off is better than trying. I’ve had enough of putting myself through the emotional roller coaster. It’s time for a break and focus on myself. 

Time to pick up a new hobby or a new skill. Bike license coming up!

Prada or Nada?

“I hate the fact that some people get judged for being real while some are getting loved for being fake.” – Word Porn 

So as I shared on FB about my encounter with the abang cabby from last night (a few weeks ago) I can’t help but to reflect on the movie ’27 Dresses’. It reminded me of the younger sister who was being a fake just to make that guy like and eventually love her. And here that’s an example of it happening in reality. Ok I might not know what the other side of the story is but yeah it just makes me reflect on life, and relationships and ouh ya marriage. The more I hear about the life stories of marriage, the more skeptical of it I become.

Ok aside from that, I am very disturbed by the issue. Do women really do all that? Pretending? Just for the sake of a guy?  For the sake of love? Or just the idea of being with someone – pressured into getting married? It destroys lives people! Not just yours but the lives of others! Manipulation and lying for marriage?! Gosh! Real life isn’t drama series! Won’t you get tired of all the acting and deceiving? Come on, the poor bugger got trapped in your web of lies and you are robbing him of his peace and happiness. It’s hard finding someone to be my partner. I’ve seen my fair share of men. Ok not much but enough to turn me off when it comes to trying. It’s either he’s a nice guy but I don’t find any attraction or an asshole which I have loads of attraction for, Mr-im-just-in-for-the-fucks which I don’t give a fuck for or the cruel joke of Mr right guy but wrong timing encounters.

But here’s one thing, I was being myself. I didn’t pretend I was someone else, in fact with some if those men; I simply acted the way I am without a care in the world aka my tomboyish nature. The raw and unpolished side of me. Yeah I do put on my full blown make up, strut in my normal but chic style and smell intoxicated-ly alluring but I do curse and swear when it was needed, laugh a little too loudly, burp without a care to hide it,  sit crossed legged on a booth and yeah smoke my ciggys like addicts do. Yeah some men don’t care by it while others ran away faster than I could say my name. But at least I know I was being myself and only the ‘weirdoes’ could accept my fair share of weird. Or maybe they were just pretending to accept that. Maybe they are the ones trying to manipulate me. If they were, at least the game was too tiring for them as all left or being sent packing off. I guess the manipulating occurs as its more of a physical or material attraction. One is attracted to the physical and/or material attributes that person has which naturally; in order to maintain the connection or the attraction; they pretended to be who the person of interest wants them to be. It makes perfect sense. It does happen all the time in the work industry. It’s written all over on resumes and often said during interviews. Applicants would lie and twigged their resumes so they could be the perfect candidate for the job. Only when they assume the position do we know their capabilities. All too familiar right? But that's for a job application. This is marriage. Be real people. Don't fuck others up just because you're just one fucked up individual.

I am WORTHY, is he?

So here we go. Came across a tweet. #Leo's life has been one big what the fuck lately. And i can't deny how true this is. We are big hearted with a complicated mind. We think alot and boy do i mean aLOT but at the end of the day, we do things based on our intuition, based on our guts - as we relied on this big massive heart of ours. 

Last night as i was texting furiously back and forth with Nura regarding *latest crush*, all these thoughts and feelings starts to kick in (both good and bad, well mostly bad that if i allow the darkness to rule over, i might just commit a cold blooded murder) until i had to pull the hand brake and keep things calm. So we decided to calm our tits down, do the things which are making us happy, dont give a hoot about them, no texting or whatsoever contact and carry on. So all settled. Till i was high on laughter with my Besties at 2am in the morning, i just had the kick to send him a direct message, share my IG post letting him know that i miss him. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! Ruled by the heart. Blame it all on the heart. To me, it felt like it was the right thing to do at that time. Being an action oriented person, i just fucking do it. Do it. Deal with the repercussions when it comes or IF it comes - later. Also as i was sharing this with Nura, at the back of my mind i knew by doing this i was already prepared for the outcomes. Be it good or bad i was well prepared for it. And i am not afraid (anymore) to let it go if i don't get the desired outcome. Of coz the first thing i told her was NOT to follow what i did. Partly i cannot bear the pain of seeing my mistake on others. I will blame and dwell on myself for what i did for i know that i will take it in with stride, wear the scar proudly and move on. I swear, my heart is gonna kill me someday. Wait, it already killed me. Come on heart, you are not a cat with nine lives. Being resuscitated does not mean you could jump right back into doing the very thing that killed you in the first place.

Having to have dated 10 men ever since the big breakup means i need to give myself a break, get back on my feet and take a step back from the dating scene trying to find for love. Forget about the love quotes, forget about the love songs, forget about love. I'll be back to being me. Yes i know i intimidate men. My long relationship partners confessed to those. The number one thing which they found it exciting yet scary. And their fear took over eventually. I toned down quite a notch and yet after that number of men (in less than a year) none of them stayed. So why bother being who I'm not? I scare them all anyways, might as well be the real and raw version of me. At least it will scare them off faster. Time is precious. 

I won't give up trying but i won't try so hard. I won't give up searching but i won't search too much. At the end of the day, i know what i am capable of as a partner, i know the things i would do for my partner, how much i could give, how much i could take. It's time for me to SEE the things which he is capable of, the things he would do, how much is he willing to give. He has to prove it to me. Heck i KNOW i am worthy but is he?

Moving the cobwebs

This was supposed to be at the other blog but i realized that well maybe its better to create a new one where noone know it exist. Hahaha.

Alright, since this blog is a deadblog since 2013 as it was specially created for the assignment as such below, let me use this for my personal rants and verbal vomits. Gosh i do hope no one is reading this blog. If you are, i shall warn you. Stop. Just. Stop.

So i guess you kept reading huh? Well don't say i didn't warn you. Welcome to my life. My drama. My insecurities rants. My messed up brain. Welcome to reading the raw Me.

Beware of the tricks i show you. I might look normal, talk normally but only those in my close circle of friends know that is so unlike me. Tricks are just to be socially accepted. Just trying to be professional. And with my field of practice, yeah i have to maintain my professionalism. 

Maybe that's the reason why i love to befriend the odd ducks. As i am one big weirdo. But, i am proud of it. Coz i am just being me. Either you love me for it or you leave me for that. I don't give a hoot. Its better to be dumped now for being real rather than dragged along for being fake.

Ouh well. Alright time to sign off. I wanted to write more but I can't seem to slow down my thoughts and put them into words. As always, too many things going on in my head.

Someone once said to me, "Its not that you don't have anything to ask, its you have too many things in your head till you can't pinpoint on which to ask first."

Yeah he scored top of the charts. Ace it. Too bad, he's gone.