So here we go. Came across a tweet. #Leo's life has been one big what the fuck lately. And i can't deny how true this is. We are big hearted with a complicated mind. We think alot and boy do i mean aLOT but at the end of the day, we do things based on our intuition, based on our guts - as we relied on this big massive heart of ours.
Last night as i was texting furiously back and forth with Nura regarding *latest crush*, all these thoughts and feelings starts to kick in (both good and bad, well mostly bad that if i allow the darkness to rule over, i might just commit a cold blooded murder) until i had to pull the hand brake and keep things calm. So we decided to calm our tits down, do the things which are making us happy, dont give a hoot about them, no texting or whatsoever contact and carry on. So all settled. Till i was high on laughter with my Besties at 2am in the morning, i just had the kick to send him a direct message, share my IG post letting him know that i miss him. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! Ruled by the heart. Blame it all on the heart. To me, it felt like it was the right thing to do at that time. Being an action oriented person, i just fucking do it. Do it. Deal with the repercussions when it comes or IF it comes - later. Also as i was sharing this with Nura, at the back of my mind i knew by doing this i was already prepared for the outcomes. Be it good or bad i was well prepared for it. And i am not afraid (anymore) to let it go if i don't get the desired outcome. Of coz the first thing i told her was NOT to follow what i did. Partly i cannot bear the pain of seeing my mistake on others. I will blame and dwell on myself for what i did for i know that i will take it in with stride, wear the scar proudly and move on. I swear, my heart is gonna kill me someday. Wait, it already killed me. Come on heart, you are not a cat with nine lives. Being resuscitated does not mean you could jump right back into doing the very thing that killed you in the first place.
Having to have dated 10 men ever since the big breakup means i need to give myself a break, get back on my feet and take a step back from the dating scene trying to find for love. Forget about the love quotes, forget about the love songs, forget about love. I'll be back to being me. Yes i know i intimidate men. My long relationship partners confessed to those. The number one thing which they found it exciting yet scary. And their fear took over eventually. I toned down quite a notch and yet after that number of men (in less than a year) none of them stayed. So why bother being who I'm not? I scare them all anyways, might as well be the real and raw version of me. At least it will scare them off faster. Time is precious.
I won't give up trying but i won't try so hard. I won't give up searching but i won't search too much. At the end of the day, i know what i am capable of as a partner, i know the things i would do for my partner, how much i could give, how much i could take. It's time for me to SEE the things which he is capable of, the things he would do, how much is he willing to give. He has to prove it to me. Heck i KNOW i am worthy but is he?
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