A LEO’s LOVE MANIFESTO

I want to be loved.

I want to feel it’s passion and embrace.

To feel its warmth and intoxicating familiarity and newness.

I want to be held. I want to be cherished.

Treated like a treasure.

Yet also the down home girl that I am.

I want love.

An equal, mutual exchange.

Embraced by its security.

An equal empowerment, respect, desire.

Balanced communication.

I wonder how I can move on when a huge part of me doesn’t want to let go.

Of my hurt?

Of the man who stole my heart?

Well, it wasn’t his for the taking.

But I offered it on a silver platter, full of bells and whistles.

He intrigued me, made me feel desired and desirable.

He made me feel proud to be his partner.

Yet I never really feel validated in that way.

I backed away, I shied off. I resisted.

I had a façade of the ideal person, the ideal relationship.

And I desperately didn’t want to break it.

But I did. Because I knew it wasn’t right. It needed to start fresh.

I feel badly for the hurt I may have caused, the blame I placed.

But I feel vindicated in sharing and standing up for my worth.

It needed to happen. I needed to break free.

I’m afraid to let go. I still love.

But I need to validate myself,

Stick to things, feel,

And move forward.

I feel anger, shame, guilt, doubt, fear, loss,

trepidation, sadness, loss, sorrow.

I feel new beginning, a chance to learn and start anew.

I am who I am and I will be with someone who

makes me feel more truly myself than ever before.

I am with someone who allows me to accept

myself through my flaws, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses.

My love rallies and validates me in my confidences and success.

My purity and failure.

I am human. I am emotion. I am power.

I sometimes fear the affect of my harsh words,

Demanding emotions, and lash tongue.

I fear the places they put me with others.

But I am pure. And I am learning to express my emotions and my needs.

I am growing. I am morphing. I am human. I am transcending.

I really do love you, querido.

But when it comes down to it, I love myself more.

THIS IS HOW TO LOVE A LEO

“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

-Sara Crolick

To love a Leo – madly, truly, deeply – takes one hell of a determined heart, for she is as wild as they come.

In her commitment to ever-evolving and ever-transforming her self and this world we live in, she will push and pull - she understands that any life worth living well must be built on a solid foundation of trust and so to love a Leo, the beating in your chest must be strong and you must know how to root down and stand your ground.

Her ways, which she learns as she goes, will shake the dust until everything that does not belong falls away – and at times, this might mean she pushes you away too.

As fierce as she is, hidden in her heart of heart is a too-big doubt that she can be loved completely and so be prepared for her to bare her teeth if you get too close to the place where she hides her fear; this is both a test of your intention and a way to keep her sacred heart safe, for to love a Leo, you must love all of her and the most-vulnerable parts you must love most of all.

There will be moments when the need to race through the jungle (or around the world) takes over and she will bolt, with no explanation (she will try her best to tell you why, but how a Leo lives is through feeling and even though words are a part of her craft, in these instances, her wildness can find none); and so she will go, her mane flowing behind her, soaking life in through all of her senses for she must do in order to understand how life works – and when you find yourself feeling forgotten, her heart will beg you to be patient, for she will return to you as soon as she can, panting and heart pounding, full of all she has learned.

(A Leo is loyal and understands that before she can show up for the one she loves, she must first learn how to show up for herself and it is through this strengthen of will and compassion that she asks you to invest your trust in her; for while her heart holds love for all beings, the kind she has for you will move mountains and light all the stars in the sky.

She needs this freedom to feed her creativity and she will look at you with her knowing eyes to see if you see it all, too, for because she is who is she is, she will want you to be who you are, too – nothing more, nothing less.

She knows the unsaid things – the ones we hold onto as our mouths move and the opposite words fall from our lips, instead; she will often get alarmingly still and this is because she needs to in order to hear it all. In the hush, she will gather information and file it away, for if a Leo is anything she is organized and everything has a place (and there is even a place for the things-that-don’t-have-a-place).

To love a Leo, understand that her lair must be in order before she can do anything; her mind is the largest libraries, for she is of this world and many others, and there is always work and learning to be done. (In fact, it’s likely that if you find yourself in love with such a creature, your brain might roar at an incredible volume; too, for this is one of the locks your key must slip into in order for you to be an imperfect-perfect match.)

Before she can settle her attention on you fully, everything must be in place and then she will curl up, serene and surrounded by her furry beasts, for she speaks all tongues - and maybe, if the day is slow and the moon just right, she will purr as she waits for you to crack your chest open and show her your raw, beating heart.

(The idea of this might make you recoil, but please know that she has made it her practice to spill open -  and so while she doesn’t expect you to make it yours too, there is a certain kind of give and take that offers balance to every union. So, from time-to-time, honor her – and more importantly, you. Show her that thing about you that you’ve taught yourself to hide away, for I can promise you that a Leo will not shy away and she knows in every stitch of her bones how to love like the ocean.)

She will transform what she has learned in these moments of deep listening into wisdom, and as she gets older, she will learn how to rule herself accordingly. It is likely that on her path, this one that has no footsteps to follow; the one she designed for herself back before the start of time, that she will fail many, many times. She will be uncomfortable in her impatience and when you stop by for a visit one night, you may well find her in pieces on the kitchen floor, snot running down her face – and here is where you will witness the strength that vulnerability brings.

(A Leo has shown you everything in this moment, for that is what she is here to do. She will stay there, and ask you to stay with her, until it is time to pick herself up, again. Your presence will fill her heart with gratitude, and she may even slide her hand into yours, or lay her head on your shoulder, and let out a mighty sigh – she is shy when it comes to this sort of thing – accepting the support she so desperately craves and fears, so let it unfold, slowly and carefully.)

You will hear rumors about the lioness you have your eye on; they will say that she likes to be the center of attention and that she demands riches and gold. They will say a Leo is happiest with the weight of ten thousand jewels around her neck and that her ego rules her heart – and they will tell you that this feline is proud and does not like to be reckoned with.

In everything, there is a grain of truth; trust that the one you love is as rare as they come; her heart rules all and so that this can’t be argued with, she will wear it, without apology, on her sleeve.

She will yearn not for a castle on a hilltop, but for a cabin in the woods, so that she can sit by the river that runs through the land and listens to the lessons the four directions has to share. She will bow down and touch her forehead to the ground often, in an act of reverence, gratitude and prayer -  and she will understand that the breeze that whistles through treetops carries with it messages meant just for her.

She will need just – enough to sustain a simple life, for a Leo knows that richness lies in the slow, humble moments of laughter and figuring it out, together. She will feel like royalty if you return from a walk in the woods with a handful of wild flowers and if you take her on a date to gaze at the stars, she will devote her heart to you, and you alone.

She plays battle with her ego and with the years marking themselves on her body as time often does, she has learned how to tango with the righteous voice that can sometimes fight to be heard.

A Leo is prideful – yes – let not that pride be mistaken for anything other than the highest form of integrity; she will prefer quite nights in to loud nights out and she will be happiest curled up with a book, for within the pages lies where her life began.

A Leo will make things with every blink of her eye and every pound of her heart, for she thrives on seeing the harmony of elements meeting and falling in love – and she will want you to find new ways to keep her falling in love with you, too.

She is stubborn – but she is kind and her compassion reaches to the far corners of the earth. In her heart, she holds it all; the joy and the sorrow, the laughter and the tears. As much as she wants you to wrap your arms around her and be held, she also needs long moments to hold herself, for a Leo feels so deeply at times she wonders if it is a blessing or a curse.

So to love a Leo, you must first love yourself; let the space in your togetherness be like the sea and in her rhythm, you will learn the meaning of a heart roar.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow –

 this is a human offering that can

border on miraculous.”

Love

Love cannot be demanded. 

Love cannot be begged. 

Love cannot be bought. 

Love cannot be taught. 

Love cannot be snatched.

Love cannot be grabbed.

Love cannot be forced. 

Love cannot be manipulated.

Love is a natural feeling that arises from one's heart and soul happens on its own. Each one of us seeks emotional fulfillment and this is the reason we all consciously or instinctively seek love. Finding love, falling in love, and being in love isn't something that you can just find anywhere. That magical thing we call love is something truly mesmerizing and it is destined to happen at the right time. No one can predict when where how and with whom you will fall in love. It will happen in its own due course and you will head over in heels in love before you even know it.

Love can be given freely.

Love can be cherished.

Love can be treasured.

Love can be felt.

Love can heal.

Love can awaken your soul and leave it enlightened forever.

Just wait patiently and let love happen to you.


- Aarti Khurana

Letter for my Future Love.

Dear Future Love of My Life,

I know. I should have written before. Forgive me. But I got the feeling that you were beginning to think that I didn’t exist. But I do. And I wanted to let you know that while I might be as elusive as a unicorn grazing in a field of four-leaf clovers, I’m close. I’m around the corner, down the street, on Facebook, in your office, at our local coffee shop, a complete stranger. I made eyes at you once on the subway. I saw you across the room at a party. I swiped you right on Tinder. But it’s not our time yet. And I know you’re wondering why.

It’s really not fair that you’ve had to wait this long, or go on blind dates, endure bad sex, settle for ‘meh’ relationships, feel misunderstood, cry from loneliness, wrap your arms around a pillow as you fall asleep at night. I’m so sorry, my love. You deserve an explanation. So, here it goes. It’s taken me a long time to even admit this to myself much less to you, so please know that everything I’ve written here is true.

The reason we haven’t met yet, in no particular order:

1. I haven’t thrown out the list of things I think you should be.

2. I’m with the wrong person right now.

3. I’m not ready to be loved unconditionally.

4. Since my life isn’t together, I think you’ll reject me.

5. I still believe that drama is a show of love.

6. I’ve been intentionally keeping my head too busy to think with my heart.

7. I need to date more to understand what I do and don’t like.

8. I won’t be able to appreciate you until life has kicked my ass.

9. I’m too focused on my own needs.

10. I don’t know how to create the feeling of home that lives in my heart.

Clearly, I’m not my best self yet. Or even myself – I’m still figuring out who that is. I’m pretty sure even if we did meet; you wouldn’t like me all that much right now. It’s entirely possible that we did hit it off once, and I left without getting your information; or maybe I did get your number and never called because of any one of the above reasons.

This is a call for humility – stop blaming the opposite sex for the downfall of your relationships and take responsibility for the right things you can control. Be patient with me, darling heart. Know that I’m working my way towards you. So don’t spend any more time thinking about where I am or am not. Just keep making your life exciting and full, so when we do finally come together, we can bring each other joy, because we are already happy.

I know it’s taking longer than you’d like. It’s a hell of a lot slower than I could have ever imagined. But I’m here. This is me talking to you. And I’m not going anywhere.

Don’t give up on me.

Yours, in perpetuity,

The Love You Haven’t Met Yet

Martyr

Leo – When in sadness; display their stress, but become wound up like they are on the brink of a nervous breakdown. They’re short-tempered and needy, and are prone to turning themselves into a martyr.

Martyr (mahr-ter)  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/martyr

noun

1.a person who willingly suffers death rather than renounce his or her religion.

2.a person who is put to death or endures great suffering on behalf of any belief, principle, or cause: a martyr to the cause of social justice.

3.a person who undergoes severe or constant suffering: a martyr to severe headaches.

4.a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.  

verb (used with object)

5.to make a martyr of, especially by putting to death.

6.to torment or torture.

It is one of those times where I have the mood to shut down and disappear. Although I might be scrolling on the various social media sites, I do not have the itch to post anything or even to make myself known by commenting on another person’s post or on those I’m being tagged in. Even trying to pen down my thoughts seems difficult. I’m having emotional constipation – not having to give a shit for days. Lol.

The ability to detach and ignore.

This is a powerful ability to have. Being able to detach and ignore. No not because that I don’t care or that I do not have the capability to care. It’s because I care too much hence I am easily affected. Those walls are built so I don’t get hurt anymore. In order for me to stay sane. They say it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply. And I have that. Feel so deeply. Nah, I’m not heartless just being super guarded. It’s not that I could just cut of my feeling just like that; it’s that I would rather just suffer in silence. What’s the point of showing to the world that I’m hurting? Just smile and carry on. I am just too tired to try being open to love or finding someone. One of those moments where switching off is better than trying. I’ve had enough of putting myself through the emotional roller coaster. It’s time for a break and focus on myself. 

Time to pick up a new hobby or a new skill. Bike license coming up!

Prada or Nada?

“I hate the fact that some people get judged for being real while some are getting loved for being fake.” – Word Porn 

So as I shared on FB about my encounter with the abang cabby from last night (a few weeks ago) I can’t help but to reflect on the movie ’27 Dresses’. It reminded me of the younger sister who was being a fake just to make that guy like and eventually love her. And here that’s an example of it happening in reality. Ok I might not know what the other side of the story is but yeah it just makes me reflect on life, and relationships and ouh ya marriage. The more I hear about the life stories of marriage, the more skeptical of it I become.

Ok aside from that, I am very disturbed by the issue. Do women really do all that? Pretending? Just for the sake of a guy?  For the sake of love? Or just the idea of being with someone – pressured into getting married? It destroys lives people! Not just yours but the lives of others! Manipulation and lying for marriage?! Gosh! Real life isn’t drama series! Won’t you get tired of all the acting and deceiving? Come on, the poor bugger got trapped in your web of lies and you are robbing him of his peace and happiness. It’s hard finding someone to be my partner. I’ve seen my fair share of men. Ok not much but enough to turn me off when it comes to trying. It’s either he’s a nice guy but I don’t find any attraction or an asshole which I have loads of attraction for, Mr-im-just-in-for-the-fucks which I don’t give a fuck for or the cruel joke of Mr right guy but wrong timing encounters.

But here’s one thing, I was being myself. I didn’t pretend I was someone else, in fact with some if those men; I simply acted the way I am without a care in the world aka my tomboyish nature. The raw and unpolished side of me. Yeah I do put on my full blown make up, strut in my normal but chic style and smell intoxicated-ly alluring but I do curse and swear when it was needed, laugh a little too loudly, burp without a care to hide it,  sit crossed legged on a booth and yeah smoke my ciggys like addicts do. Yeah some men don’t care by it while others ran away faster than I could say my name. But at least I know I was being myself and only the ‘weirdoes’ could accept my fair share of weird. Or maybe they were just pretending to accept that. Maybe they are the ones trying to manipulate me. If they were, at least the game was too tiring for them as all left or being sent packing off. I guess the manipulating occurs as its more of a physical or material attraction. One is attracted to the physical and/or material attributes that person has which naturally; in order to maintain the connection or the attraction; they pretended to be who the person of interest wants them to be. It makes perfect sense. It does happen all the time in the work industry. It’s written all over on resumes and often said during interviews. Applicants would lie and twigged their resumes so they could be the perfect candidate for the job. Only when they assume the position do we know their capabilities. All too familiar right? But that's for a job application. This is marriage. Be real people. Don't fuck others up just because you're just one fucked up individual.

I am WORTHY, is he?

So here we go. Came across a tweet. #Leo's life has been one big what the fuck lately. And i can't deny how true this is. We are big hearted with a complicated mind. We think alot and boy do i mean aLOT but at the end of the day, we do things based on our intuition, based on our guts - as we relied on this big massive heart of ours. 

Last night as i was texting furiously back and forth with Nura regarding *latest crush*, all these thoughts and feelings starts to kick in (both good and bad, well mostly bad that if i allow the darkness to rule over, i might just commit a cold blooded murder) until i had to pull the hand brake and keep things calm. So we decided to calm our tits down, do the things which are making us happy, dont give a hoot about them, no texting or whatsoever contact and carry on. So all settled. Till i was high on laughter with my Besties at 2am in the morning, i just had the kick to send him a direct message, share my IG post letting him know that i miss him. WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?! Ruled by the heart. Blame it all on the heart. To me, it felt like it was the right thing to do at that time. Being an action oriented person, i just fucking do it. Do it. Deal with the repercussions when it comes or IF it comes - later. Also as i was sharing this with Nura, at the back of my mind i knew by doing this i was already prepared for the outcomes. Be it good or bad i was well prepared for it. And i am not afraid (anymore) to let it go if i don't get the desired outcome. Of coz the first thing i told her was NOT to follow what i did. Partly i cannot bear the pain of seeing my mistake on others. I will blame and dwell on myself for what i did for i know that i will take it in with stride, wear the scar proudly and move on. I swear, my heart is gonna kill me someday. Wait, it already killed me. Come on heart, you are not a cat with nine lives. Being resuscitated does not mean you could jump right back into doing the very thing that killed you in the first place.

Having to have dated 10 men ever since the big breakup means i need to give myself a break, get back on my feet and take a step back from the dating scene trying to find for love. Forget about the love quotes, forget about the love songs, forget about love. I'll be back to being me. Yes i know i intimidate men. My long relationship partners confessed to those. The number one thing which they found it exciting yet scary. And their fear took over eventually. I toned down quite a notch and yet after that number of men (in less than a year) none of them stayed. So why bother being who I'm not? I scare them all anyways, might as well be the real and raw version of me. At least it will scare them off faster. Time is precious. 

I won't give up trying but i won't try so hard. I won't give up searching but i won't search too much. At the end of the day, i know what i am capable of as a partner, i know the things i would do for my partner, how much i could give, how much i could take. It's time for me to SEE the things which he is capable of, the things he would do, how much is he willing to give. He has to prove it to me. Heck i KNOW i am worthy but is he?

Moving the cobwebs

This was supposed to be at the other blog but i realized that well maybe its better to create a new one where noone know it exist. Hahaha.

Alright, since this blog is a deadblog since 2013 as it was specially created for the assignment as such below, let me use this for my personal rants and verbal vomits. Gosh i do hope no one is reading this blog. If you are, i shall warn you. Stop. Just. Stop.

So i guess you kept reading huh? Well don't say i didn't warn you. Welcome to my life. My drama. My insecurities rants. My messed up brain. Welcome to reading the raw Me.

Beware of the tricks i show you. I might look normal, talk normally but only those in my close circle of friends know that is so unlike me. Tricks are just to be socially accepted. Just trying to be professional. And with my field of practice, yeah i have to maintain my professionalism. 

Maybe that's the reason why i love to befriend the odd ducks. As i am one big weirdo. But, i am proud of it. Coz i am just being me. Either you love me for it or you leave me for that. I don't give a hoot. Its better to be dumped now for being real rather than dragged along for being fake.

Ouh well. Alright time to sign off. I wanted to write more but I can't seem to slow down my thoughts and put them into words. As always, too many things going on in my head.

Someone once said to me, "Its not that you don't have anything to ask, its you have too many things in your head till you can't pinpoint on which to ask first."

Yeah he scored top of the charts. Ace it. Too bad, he's gone.